[Randy]
(to the audience)
We're gonna sing you a song tonight, my friends, we're very excited-
(sees Sammy J looking at someone in the audience)
(laughing)
What the hell are you doing?!
[Sammy J]
Sorry–I ran out to say hello, and then I got thrown, 'cause I thought I knew a guy in the front row... but I don't! So everything is under control!
(Both laugh)
[Randy]
(to the audience member)
Hey, champ, what's your name?
[Audience Member]
Chris
[Randy]
Chris!
[Sammy J]
Hey, Chris!
[Randy]
Chris, has you ever met Sammy before?
[Chris]
No
[Randy]
No?
[Sammy J]
Why don't we do a little song, Randy?
[Randy]
Just rеlax, Chris!
[Sammy J]
There was a time
[Sammy J and Randy]
Whеn life was simple
[Sammy J]
Two friends
[Randy]
Best friends
[Sammy J and Randy]
Two best friends running hand-in-hand through the meadow
When life was simple
[Sammy J]
Skimmin' stones across the fjord
[Randy]
Climbing every mountain, singing, Praise the Lord!
[Sammy J]
Hot apple strudel on the windowsill
[Randy]
Gobble it up 'til you get your fill
[Sammy J]
There was a time
[Sammy J and Randy]
When life was simple
[Sammy J]
I was a boy
[Randy]
I was a girl
[Sammy J and Randy]
Two best friends running hand-in-hand
Through the sweet green meadows of Switzerland
[Sammy J]
There was a time
[Randy]
There was a time
[Sammy J]
When life was simple
And we made love in the cool green grass
[Randy]
Squeeze my nipple and you slap my ass
[Sammy J]
Pull my hair and scratch my back
[Randy]
You gotta work the shaft and cup the sack
[Sammy J]
Hey, Randy?
[Randy]
Hey, Sammy?
[Sammy J]
I'm not sure about this
[Randy]
This is disturbing
[Sammy J]
How do you recall this, too?
[Randy]
I have no idea
[Sammy J]
I have a very vivid memory of taking your virginity
Just behind my-
[Sammy J and Randy]
-Auntie Helga's windmill!
[Randy]
Oh my God!
[Sammy J]
You know what this means?
[Randy]
Yep!
[Sammy J and Randy]
We were
Swiss lovers in a past life
Yah!
[Sammy J]
What are the chances?
[Sammy J and Randy]
We were
Swiss lovers in a past life
Danke!
[Sammy J]
I was inside you all night long
[Randy]
Then I moved away
[Sammy J]
You joined the nunnery
[Randy]
You never came to visit
[Sammy J]
Oh yes, I did!
[Randy]
OH NO, YOU DIDN'T!
[Sammy J]
How could you forget?
The night that I was there
Threw pebbles at your window
Til you let down your hair
I climbed your golden locks
You took me in your arms
And we made love that night
[Randy]
Which window?
[Sammy J]
Third window from the left
[Randy]
That wasn't my window
(pause)
[Sammy J]
(suddenly realizing–points at Chris)
I just figured out where I know that guy from!
We were
[Sammy J and Randy]
Swiss lovers in a past life
Chris
Couldn't get enough of
We were
Swiss lovers in a past life
Ow!
One night stand in a nunnery
[Sammy J]
There was a time
[Randy]
There was a time
[Sammy J]
When
[Sammy J and Randy]
I fucked that guy
There!
[Randy]
Hey, Sammy?
[Sammy J]
Hey, Randy?
[Randy]
Is this homophobic?
[Sammy J]
Because it's making fun of gay men?
[Randy]
Do you think so?
[Sammy J]
I have no idea
[Randy]
Well, there's a certain implication
Homosexual fornication
Is more worthy of laughs
[Sammy J]
But they were laughing!
[Randy]
That's no excuse
It's 2015!
[Sammy J and Randy]
There was a time
When comedy was simple
[Sammy J]
Gay jokes
[Randy]
Racist jokes!
[Sammy J and Randy]
Jokes about
Fat disabled midgets
[Sammy J]
They're laughing!
[Sammy J and Randy]
That's because they're simple
[Randy]
And it's our job to educate
[Sammy J]
Avoid jokes that discriminate
[Randy]
The cheapest laughs are there to pick
[Sammy J]
Like, we could just say
[Sammy J and Randy]
SUCK MY DICK
Too easy!
[Sammy J]
We've gone too far
[Randy]
Tonight, we're gonna raise the bar!
[Sammy J]
Yeah, no more swearing!
[Randy]
No more smut!
[Sammy J and Randy]
It's a brand-new day for us
There was a time
When we were filthy
[Sammy J]
Seven years of dirty jokes
[Randy]
Now it's time to entertain these folks
[Sammy J and Randy]
With good old-fashioned family fun
[Randy]
They all said it can't be done!
[Sammy J]
But look at us now, and clap along
[Randy]
Come join us in our happy song!
[Sammy J and Randy]
(leading the audience to clap along)
We're happy!
We're clappy!
[Sammy J]
I say, Randy!
[Randy]
What's that, chappie?
[Sammy J]
What's up with your googly eyes?
[Randy]
I'VE GOT A THYROID PROBLEM, YOU [censored]
(Awkward pause)
[Randy]
Bring that shit up on fucking stage!
[Sammy J]
Sorry, I didn't know that, I didn't know that, I'm just really sorry...
[Randy]
Jesus...
[Sammy J]
There was a time
[Randy]
When we were
[Sammy J and Randy]
Swiss lovers in a past life, baby, yeah
Danke!
