There's one good thing about marriage, though. I don't wanna put the whole thing down, alright? The best thing about marriage is that these are connected! [grabs his crotch] They don't come off. They don't come off because if they did, your wife would take it as soon as you get married. It's true, man.
You'd see these guys on the phone, going...
'Hello, guys? [pause] Yeah, listen. I'm not gonna be able to make it. Uh... I might have to cancel out. [pause] I can't go. [pause] She's GOT MY DICK! [pause] No, she won't give it to me. I asked for it all day. [pause] Actually, she's pissed off. I tried to sneak out of the house with it this morning, and, uh... Well, I was halfway out the driveway, she came running out of the house and I had to give it to her right there in the street. [pause] Yeah, she found the spare, too. [pause] *laughs* Yeah, uh... Okay, I'll ask her. Hold on.' [pause]
'Ho- Honey, it's the guys! [pause] No, they just called to say that- that they're all taking theirs. I was just gonna take mine, you know, 'cause they're all taking theirs. [pause] Okay, I'll tell 'em.'
'Yeah, she said no fucking way. [pause] She said, 'The dick stays here.' Yeah, it's not going anywhere. [pause] Uh, will you do me a favor? You see me working around the house next week and around the yard and, uh... helping out with groceries and shit. Will you do me a favor? Kill me. Kill me. Yeah, my neighbor. He's married too, yeah. Kill him too. Kill both of us. Shoot me in the head, run me over with a car, whatever it takes! I live in hell! I LIVE IN HELL! OH OOOOHHHH!
[runs over to previous audience member, who yells: 'AAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!']
True! *laughs*
*laughs* The women- the women are starting to look around, going, 'Ar- Are we safe? Is there gonna be trouble here tonight? Are we gonna be raped and pillaged?'
No, I love women though, man. If you have your girlfriend or somebody you're with tonight, you know, somebody you really lo- I'm- I'm broke up right now. I'm... I've been out of a relationship for about a year. [audience starts consoling him] Well, no, I wanted it! I wanted it! I planned the fucking thing! What are you talking about?
I didn't have the courage to walk up and say, 'Hey, you know, I'm really fucking tired of sharing anything with you. A life, a car ride. Your voice drives me up the fucking wall. I come in here at night and I have to drink a six-pack of Heineken to keep from cutting your fucking head off and putting it in a camera bag.'
I didn't have the COURAGE to be that honest at the time. So here's what you do: you start doing lots of cocaine. Get into drugs, man. Just coke out, man, two or three weeks straight. Just fucking don't shave, sell the TV, be a fucking asshole. They come up to you in two or three weeks and they go, '[pretending to sob] I have to leave you! You're not the man I fell in love with! All you want to do is do drugs and get high.' And she GOES AWAY! *laughs* SHE LEAVES! IT WORKS! And it's beautiful because she feels like shit because she left you... when YOU NEEDED HER MOST! *laughs* IT'S FLAWLESS!
The guys are going, 'I'd like to laugh at that, but I'm too busy writing it down, I tell you that... I am using that formula!'
I just came to help. I really did. I want to bring romance back and, uh, into the lives of anybody I try and touch, and... So if you're on a party tonight, if you have a woman you care about, take her home after this show... and lick her pussy for two fucking hours.
Do it! Do it! CELEBRATE tonight, God damn it! Make 'em cum twice, guys, before they can even see your dick. It's a challenge! It's definitely a challenge, but, uh... Do it, man. I'm serious. Have a glass of water by the bed... 'cause your mouth gets kinda dry, and, uh, you don't want to go to work tomorrow looking like you fell off your bike on the way to school, okay?
Just walking around, going, '[rubbing his face and groaning]...' 'What's wrong with your face, Bob?' 'SHUT UP! Why doesn't she use cream brands? WHY DOESN'T SHE USE CREAM BRANDS?' *laughs* Ah!
Do it! Be lovers tonight! Go home and FUCK, man! Make her cum twice before she can even see your dick because it leaves the illusion that you care. Come on, that- 'cause they're not used to it. It throws them off. Wo- Women are used to this, women are used to guys coming up and going:
'[makes groaning sound]! Ugh... Oh, let me use your face to wipe it off! WHERE'S YOUR PURSE!? I NEED CAB FARE!'
THAT's what they're used to! Oh, they really are though, man. They're just:
'[doing an impression of a woman] God, you care, don't you?' '[sarcastically] Yeah, yeah, I care. Yeah. Now roll over. [roars]' *laughs* Oh!
Hey, I'm just trying to help, man. I swear to God. 'cause after my second divorce, I said, 'Hey... I bet if I learned how to fuck really good, I wouldn't have to give away everything I own every FIVE FUCKING YEARS!'
Old guys in the bathroom going, '[???] another joke. That's information I'm writing down. I'm 53, I'm gonna lick something, God damn it, I tell you that. I'm not starting over, no fucking way!'
Oh, it's tough. It's tough to work it out. And women don't help. Women don't fuc- look, it- There's no sex education for men! I never got any. No one ever fucking set me up to anything. The government doesn't send you a pamphlet or anything, you know, on how to lick pussy. Mom and Dad are no fucking road map, alright? Nobody helps you. You're on your own! You gotta learn your own fucking technique, your own style. That's why a lot of guys are pretty bad at it. They don't wanna think about licking pussy now. Why would they know? Most guys got, like, one stroke, you know? They think they're painting a fence or something. It's like...
The girl's going, 'Jesus Christ, am I being licked or weatherproofed here? Hey! The fuck is this!?'
But...
