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Amish Sex Lyrics by Dave Attell

Skanks for the Memories

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The Amish. I bet you they're having sex right now. 'cause they have to get up in three hours.
They must get into it and wild. I mean, what else do they have? Nothing! I'd love to hear them make love, wouldn't you?
'Oh... oh... Oh, Jebediah! Give it to me, you Abe Lincoln-looking motherfucker! Oh, oh, molasses! Give it to me buggy-style! Oh, ee, ee-ee, neigh! Oh, [sings] Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care!'
I love making fun of the Amish. You know why? 'cause they're never gonna find out. That's why! They're out of the loop!
That joke's so old, it could vote!
I know you're thinking, '[sarcastically] Oh, Dave, the Amish. Woo! Who's next on your hit list? The Eskimos?' Okay, here we go.
The Eskimos, or as I call them 'The Snow Mexicans'. Let me tell you something! These nose-rubbers have had their way too long!
This went from 'comedy show' to 'Klan meeting' real quick, didn't it?
I was actually up in Alaska and, uh, there was a Klan meeting going on, and I'll tell you, that is the most bitter Klan in the country. You know why? 'cause there's only one black fella in the whole state. You go to a Klan meeting, it's like, 'We gotta get Eric!' Now...
That woke some people up, huh?
Do you know what really wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. Right out of bed. There's no snooze alarm on that. You are up! You're up. You're in a karate stance. You're shaking. The day has begun!
I don't wear pajamas, everyone. I'm not trying to scare you, but I don't. 'cause I don't look good in pajamas. Look at me. A bald, fat man in pajamas? That doesn't look very restful. That looks like 'escaped mental patient on the loose'. Tackle him! Quick, before he gets to the dam!
Women like their men in pajamas. You know why, fellas? 'cause you can never win a fight when you're wearing pajamas. 'cause you'll be yelling and screaming and then your dick pops out of that little hole. And he always just pops out a little bit, like he knows there's trouble in the room.
'Why are Mommy and Daddy fighting? Is it about Other Mommy who loves anal sex? Why?'
What? 'Keep talking about anal sex'? You've got it. Here we go.
Anal sex, or as I call it 'The Forbidden Hello'. There are no winners. That's why you have to make it look like an accident.
'Enough said. Move on. You're right.'
Anybody keep a diary here? Journal? Captain's log? Here's something you'll never, ever see written in any diary:
'When he rode up on his unicycle, I knew I had to have his cock in my mouth.'
Credits
Dave Attell

Dave Attell

About “Amish Sex” by Dave Attell

Read the complete lyrics to "Amish Sex" by Dave Attell from the album "Skanks for the Memories". On Lyrks you can follow along with the full text, explore the artist's discography, and discover related songs. The track is often categorized under Non-Music.

"Amish Sex" is performed by Dave Attell. from the album "Skanks for the Memories" This page provides the full lyric text for fans who want to sing along, study the songwriting, or compare versions across releases. Lyrks organizes lyrics by artist and song slug so you can bookmark and share a stable URL. Music lyrics help listeners connect with emotion, narrative, and rhythm in a track. Whether you are learning English, researching a favorite chorus, or preparing for karaoke, having accurate line breaks and section labels (verse, chorus, bridge) makes the experience easier. We link to the official artist profile on Lyrks where available, including biography snippets, top songs, and chart placements when we have that data. If you enjoy "Amish Sex", explore more songs by Dave Attell using the links below. Chart and trending pages on Lyrks highlight what listeners are searching for this week. For copyright or correction requests, see our DMCA and contact pages.

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Frequently asked questions

"Amish Sex" is credited to Dave Attell. Songwriting credits may include additional writers listed on the release; check the credits section on this page for linked collaborators.

"Amish Sex" appears on "Skanks for the Memories".

Visit the Dave Attell artist page at /artist/dave-attell for biography, popular tracks, and links to more lyric pages.